Good Morning, Daddy. Long time no see.

Excuse the place, I haven't been entertaining company as of late. Sorry if I'm acting a little dense, but you're the last person in the world I expected to see this morning.

Yeah, well, tha's OK, Daddy, I tend to have that effect on people. I'm dyin' on thirst, you got anything to drink?

I think there's a Seven-Up in there.

Anything stronger?

Oh, probably not. Beer? You can drink beer, can't you?

I can, but I don't.

That's about all I ever eat.

I'm sorry... I'm his father.

That's OK, I'm his wife.

Alabama Worley, pleased to meetcha.

Oh yeah, we got married.

You still have these.

This isn't a complete set; when I was five I swallowed the pomegranate one. I never shit it out, so I guess it's still there. Loverdoll, why don't you be a sport and go get us some beer. I want some beer.

Do you want some beer? Well, if you want some it's here.

Go to the liquor store –

Where is there a liquor store around here?

Uh, yeah... there's a party store down 54th.

Get a six-pack of something imported. It's hard to tell you what to get 'cause different places have different things. If they got Fosters, get that, if not, ask the guy at the thing what the strongest imported beer he has. Look, since you're making a beer run, would you mind too terribly if you did a foot run as well. I'm fuckin' starvin' to death. Are you hungry too?

I'm pretty hungry. When I went to the store I was gonna get some Ding-Dongs.

Well, fuck that shit, we'll get some real food. What would taste good.

What do you think would taste good?

I'm really not very –

You know what would taste good? Chicken. I haven't had chicken in a while. Chicken would really hit the spot about now. Chicken and beer, definitely, absolutely, without a doubt.

Where's a good chicken place around here?

I really don't know.

You don't know the chicken places around where you live?

Ask the guy at the place where a chicken place is.

This should cover it, Auggie-Doggie.

Okee-dokee, Doggie-Daddy.

Isn't she the sweetest goddamned girl you ever saw in your whole life? Is she a four alarm fire, or what?

She seems very nice.

Daddy. Nice isn't the word. Nice is an insult. She's a peach. That's the only word for it, she's a peach. She even tastes like a peach. You can tell I'm in love with her. You can tell by my face, can't ya? It's a dead giveaway. It's written all over it. Ya know what? She loves me back. Take a seat, Pop, we gotta talk –

Clarence, just shut up, you're giving me a headache! I can't believe how much like your mother you are. You're your fuckin' mother through and through. I haven't heard from ya in three years. Then ya show up all of a sudden at eight o'clock in the morning. You walk in like a goddamn bulldozer... don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you... just slow it down. Now, when did you get married?

Daddy, I'm in big fuckin' trouble and I really need your help.

Dick Ritchie?

I'm me... I mean, that's me.

Step inside.

Well, the part you're reading for is one of the bad guys. There's Brian and Marty. Peter Breck's already been cast as Brian. And you're reading for the part of Marty. Now in this scene you're both in a car and Bill Shatner's hanging on the hood. And what you're trying to do is get him off.

Whenever you're ready.

Where'd you come from?

I don't know. He just appeared as magic.

Well, don't just sit there, shoot him.

That was very good.

Thank you.

If we decided on making him a New York type, could you do that?

Sure. No problem.

Could we try it now?

Absolutely.

Where'd he come from?

I don't know. He just appeared as magic.

Well, don't just sit there, shoot him.

Well, Mr. Ritchie, I'm impressed. You're a very fine actor.

Look, I don't know this is pretty heavy-duty, so if you wanna explode, feel free.

You're always making jokes. That's what you do, isn't it? Make jokes. Making jokes is the one thing you're good at, isn't it? But if you make a joke about this –

– I'm gonna go completely out of my fuckin' head!

What do you want from me?

What?

Stop acting like an infant. You're here because you want me to help you in some way. What do you need from me? You need money?

Do you still have friends on the force?

Yes, I still have friends on the force.

Could you find out if they know anythin'? I don't know they know shit about us. But I don't wanna think, I wanna know. You could find out for sure what's goin' on.

Daddy?

What makes you think I could do that?

You were a cop.

What makes you think I would do that?

I'm your son.

You got it all worked out, don't you?

Look, goddamnit, I never asked you for a goddamn thing! I've tried to make your parental obligation as easy as possible. After Mom divorced you, did I ask you for anything? When I wouldn't see ya for six months to a year at a time, did you ever get your shit about it? No, it was always "OK", "No problem", "You're a busy guy, I understand". The whole time you were a drunk, did I ever point my finger at you and talk shit? No! Everybody else did. I never did. You see, I know that you're just a bad parent. You're not really very good at it. But I know you love me. I'm basically a pretty resourceful guy. If I didn't really need it I wouldn't ask. And if you say no, don't worry about it. I'm gone. No problems.

The forager's back.

Thank God. I could eat a horse if you slap enough catsup on it.

I didn't get any chicken.

How come?

It's nine o'clock in the morning. Nothing's open.

It's about that pimp that was shot a couple of days ago, Drexl Spivey.

What about him?

Well, Ted, to tell you the truth, I found out through the grapevine that it might be, and I only said might be, the Drexl Spivey that was responsible for that restaurant break-in on Riverdale.

Are you still working security for Foster & Langley?

Yeah, and the restaurant's on my route. And you know, I stuck my nose in for the company to try to put a stop to some of these break-ins. Now, while I have no proof, the name Drexl Spivey kept comin' up Who's case is it?

McTeague.

I don't know him. Is he a nice guy? You think he'll help me out?

I don't see why not. When you gonna come round and see my new place?

You and Robin moved?

Shit, are you behind. Me and Robin got a divorce six months ago. Got myself a new place – mirrors all over the bedroom, ceiling fans above the bed. Guy'd have to look as ugly as King Kong not to get laid in this place. I'm serious, a guy'd have to look like a gorilla.

They have nothing. In fact, they think it's drug related.

Do tell. Why drug related?

Apparently, Drexl had a big toe stuck in shit like that.

No shit?

Yeah. Drexl had an association with a fella named Blue Lou Boyle. Name mean anything to you?

Nope.

If you don't hang around in this circle, no reason it should.

Who is he?

Gangster. Drug Dealer. Somebody you don't want on your ass. Look, Clarence, the more I hear about this Drexl fucker, the more I think you did the right thing. That guy wasn't just some wild flake.

That's what I've been tellin' ya. The guy was like a mad dog. So the cops aren't looking for me?

Naw, until they hear something better they'll assume Drexl and Blue Lou had a falling out. So, once you leave town, I wouldn't worry about it.

Thanks a lot, Daddy. You really came through for me.

I got some money I can give you –

Keep it.

Well, son, I want you to know I hope everything works out with you and Alabama. I like her. I think you make a cute couple.

We do make a cute couple, don't we?

Yeah, well, just stay outta trouble. Remember, you got a wife to think about. Quit fuckin' around.

I love you son.

This is Dick's number in Hollywood. We don't know where we'll be, but you can get a hold of me through him.

Bama, we're outta here. Kiss Pops goodbye.

Bye, Daddy! Hope to see you again real soon.

What kind of daughterly smackeroo was that?

Oh, hush up.

We'll send you a postcard as soon as we get to Hollywood.

Bama, you take care of that one for me. Keep him out of trouble.

Don't worry, Daddy, I'm keepin' this fella on a short leash.

As the sun sets slowly in the west we bid a fond farewell to all the friends we've made... and, with a touch of melancholy, we look forward to the time when we will all be together again.

The-son-of-a-bitch was right... she does taste like a peach.

Hi, Dick here.

Heeeellllloooo baaaabbbbbyyyy!!!

Clarence?

You got it.

It's great to hear from you.

Well, you're gonna be seein' me shortly.

You comin' to L.A.? When?

Tomorrow.

What's up? Why're leavin' Detroit?

Well, there's a story behind all that. I'll tell you when I see you. By the way, I won't be alone. I'm bringing my wife with me.

Get the fuck outta here!

I'm married man.

Get the fuck outta here!

Believe it or not, I actually tricked a girl into falling in love with me. I'm not quite sure how I did it. I'd hate to have to do it again. But I did it. Wanna say hi to my better half?

Hi, Dick. I'm Alabama Worley.

Hello, Alabama.

I can't wait to meet you. Clarence told me all about you. He said you were his best friend. So, I guess that makes you my best friend, too.

Tell him we gotta go.

Clarence says we gotta be hittin' it.

What?

Tell him we'll be hittin' his area some time tomorrow.

He said don't go nowhere. We'll be there some time tomorrow.

Wait a minute –

Tell him not to eat anything. We're gonna scarf when we get there.

Don't eat anything.

Alabama, could you tell Clar –

Ask him if he got the letter.

Did you get the letter?

What letter?

What letter?

The letter I sent.

The letter he sent.

Clarence sent a letter?

Has he gotten his mail today?

Gotten your mail yet?

Yeah, my room-mate leaves it on the TV.

Yes.

Has he looked through it yet?

Ya looked through it?

Not yet.

Nope.

Tell him to look through it.

Get it.

Let me speak to Clarence.

He wants to speak with you.

No time. Gotta go. Just tell him to read the letter, the letter explains all. Tell him I love him. And tell him, as of tomorrow, all his money problems are over.

He can't. We gotta go, but he wants you to read the letter. The letter explains it all. He wants you to know he loves you. And he wants you to know that as of tomorrow, all of your money problems are over.

Money problems?

Now tell him goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Now hang up.

Hello, hello, Clarence? Clarence's wife?... I mean Alabama... hello?

Welcome home, alchy. We're havin' a party.

Tell Tooth-pick Vic to go outside and do you-know-what.

Do you know who I am, Mr. Worley?

I give up. Who are you?

I'm the Anti-Christ. You get me in a vendetta kind of mood, you will tell the angels in heaven that you had never seen pure evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you. My name is Vincenzo Coccotti. I work as a counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle, the man your son stole from. I hear you were once a cop so I assume you've heard of us before. Am I correct?

I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.

I'm glad. Hopefully that will clear up the how-full-of-shit-I-am question you've been asking yourself. Now, we're gonna have a little Q and A, and, at the risk of sounding redundant, please make your answers genuine.

Want a Chesterfield?

No.

I have a son of my own. About you boy's age. I can imagine how painful this must be for you. But Clarence and that bitch-whore girlfriend of his brought this all on themselves. And I implore you not to go down the road with 'em. You can always take comfort in the fact that you never had a choice.

Look, I'd help ya if I could, but I haven't seen Clarence –

Smarts, don't it? Gettin' slammed in the nose fucks you all up. You got that pain shootin' through your brain. Your eyes fill up with water. It ain't any kind of fun. But what I have to offer you. That's as good as it's ever gonna get, and it won't ever get that good again. We talked to your neighbors. They saw a Mustang, a red Mustang, Clarence's red Mustang, parked in front of your trailer yesterday. Mr. Worley, have you seen your son?

I've seen him.

Now I can't be sure of how much of what he told you. So in the chance you're in the dark about some of this, let me shed some light. That whore your boy hangs around with, her pimp is an associate of mine, and I don't just mean pimpin', in other affairs he works for me in a courier capacity. Well, apparently, that dirty little whore found out when we're gonna do some business, 'cause your son, the cowboy and his flame, came in the room blastin' and didn't stop till they were pretty sure everybody was dead.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics and hightailed it outta there. Wouldda gotten away with it, but your son, fuckhead that he is, left his driver's license in a dead guy's hand. A whore hiding in the commode filled in all the blanks.

I don't believe you.

That's of minor importance. But what's of major fuckin' importance is that I believe you. Where did they go?

On their honeymoon.

I'm gettin' angry askin' the same question a second time. Where did they go?

They didn't tell me.

Now, wait a minute and listen. I haven't seen Clarence in three years. Yesterday he shows up here with a girl, sayin' he got married. He told me he needed some quick cash for a honeymoon, so he asked if he could borrow five hundred dollars. I wanted to help him out so I wrote out a check. We went to breakfast and that's the last I saw of him. So help me God. They never thought to tell me where they were goin'. And I never thought to ask.

Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm a Sicilian. And my old man was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. And from growin' up with him I learned the pantomime. Now there are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give him away. A guy has seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen. And if you know 'em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors to hell. What we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothin'. But you're tellin' me everything. Now I know you know where they are. So tell me, before I do some damage you won't walk away from.

Could I have one of those Chesterfields now?

Sure.

Got a match?

Oh, don't bother. I got one.

So you're a Sicilian, huh?

Uh-huh.

You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find that shit fascinating. In fact, I don't know if you know this or not, Sicilians were spawned by niggers.

Come again?

It's a fact. Sicilians have nigger blood pumpin' through their hearts. If you don't believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are niggers. Way back then, Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But, once the Moors moved in there, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin' with the Sicilian women, they changed the blood-line for ever, from blond hair and blue eyes to black hair and dark skin. I find it absolutely amazing to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, Sicilians still carry that nigger gene. I'm just quotin' history. It's a fact. It's written. Your ancestors were niggers. Your great, great, great, great, great-grandmother was fucked by a nigger, and had a half-nigger kid. That is a fact. Now tell me, am I lyin'?

I haven't killed anybody since 1974. Goddamn his soul to burn for eternity in fuckin' hell for makin' me spill blood on my hands! Go to this comedian's son's apartment and come back with somethin' that tells me where that asshole went so I can wipe this egg off of my face and fix this fucked-up family for good.

Boss, get ready to get happy.

Hello my baby,

Hello my honey,

Hello my ragtime gal –

Hi guys.

Wow. Neat place.

... when my mom went into labor, my dad panicked. He never had a kid before, and crashed the car. Now, picture this: their car's demolished, crowd is starting to gather, my mom is yelling, going into contractions, and my dad, who was losing it before, is now completely screaming yellow zonkers. Then, out of nowhere, as if from thin air, this big giant bus appears, and the bus-driver says, "Get her in here.". He forgot all about his route and just drove straight to the hospital. So, because he was such a nice guy, they wanted to name the baby after him, as a sign of gratitude. Well, his name was Waldo, and no matter how grateful they were, even if I'da been a boy, they wouldn't call me Waldo. So they asked Waldo where he was from. And, so there you go.

And here we are.

That's a pretty amazing story.

Well, she's a pretty amazing girl. What are women like out here?

Just like in Detroit, only skinnier.

You goin' out?

Well, for the past couple of years I've been goin' out with girls from my acting class.

Good for you.

What's so fuckin' good about it? Actresses are the most fucked-in-the-head bunch of women in the world. It's like they gotta pass a test of emotional instability before they can get their SAG card. Oh, guess what? I had a really good reading for "T.J. Hooker" the other day.

You're gonna be on "T.J. Hooker"?

Knock wood.

... formica. I did real well. I think she liked me.

Did you meet Captain Kirk?

You don't meet him in the audition. That comes later. Hope, hope.

That was so good I am gonna have another.

DICK

You can't have just one.

How much of that letter was on the up and up?

Every word of it.

You're really in love, aren't you?

For the very first time in my life.

Do you know what that's like?

No, I don't

How did you two meet?

Do you remember The Lyric?

One please.

Ninety-nine cents.

Which one is on now?

"Return of the Streetfighter". It's been on about forty-five minutes.

Can I have a medium popcorn? A super-large Mr. Pibb, and a box of Goobers.

Oh, look what happened. Oh god, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?

Yeah. I'm fine. It didn't hurt.

I'm the clumsiest person in the world.

It's OK. Don't worry about it. Accidents happen.

What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for being such a sweetheart. You could have been a real dick.

Excuse me... I hate to bother you again. Would you mind too terribly filling me in on what I missed?

Not at all. I, this guy here, he's Sonny Chiba.

The oriental.

The oriental in black. He's an assassin. Now, at the beginning he was hired to kill this guy the cops had. So he got himself arrested. They take him into the police station. And he starts kickin' all the cops' asses. Now, while keepin' them at bay, he finds the guy he was supposed to kill. Does a number on him. Kicks the cops' asses some more. Kicks the bars out of the window. And jumps out into a getaway car that was waiting for him.

Want some Goobers?

Thanks a lot.

I thought Sonny was the good guy.

He ain't so much good guy as he's just a bad motherfucker. Sonny don't be bullshittin'. He fucks dudes up for life. Hold on, a fight scene's coming up.

Great movie. Action-packed!

Does Sonny kick ass or does Sonny kick ass?

Sonny kicks ass.

You shoulda saw the first original uncut version of the "Streetfighter". It was the only movie up to that time rated X for violence. But we just saw the R.

If that was the R, I'd love to see the X.

My name is Clarence, and what is yours?

Alabama Whitman. Pleased to meet ya.

Is that your real name? Really?

That's my real name, really. I got proof. See.

Well, cut my legs off and call me Shorty. That's a pretty original moniker there, Alabama. Sounds like a Pam Grier movie.

She's a sixteen-calibre kitten, equally equipped for killin' an' lovin'! She carried a sawed-off shotgun in her purse, a black belt around her waist, and the white-hot fire of hate in her eyes! Alabama Whitman is Pam Grier! Pray for forgiveness, Rated R... for Ruthless Revenge!

Where's your car? I'll walk you to it.

I took a cab.

You took a cab to see three kung fu movies?

Sure. Why not?

Nothing. It's just you're a girl after my own heart.

What time is it?

'Bout twelve.

I suppose you gotta get up early, huh?

No. Not particularly.

How come?

Well, it's just when I see a really good movie I really like to go out and get some pie, and talk about it. It's sort of tradition. Do you like to eat pie after you've seen a good movie?

I love to get pie after a movie.

Would you like to get some pie?

I'd love some pie.

Well, enough about the King. How about you?

How 'bout me what?

Tell me about yourself.

There's nothing to tell.

C'mon. What're ya tryin' to be? The Phantom Lady?

What do you want to know?

Well, for starters, what do you do? Where're ya from? What's your favorite color? Who's your favorite movie star? What kinda music do you like? What are your turn-ons and turn-offs? Do you have a fella? What's the story behind you takin' a cab to the most dangerous part of town alone? And, in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?

Ask me them again. One by one.

What do you do?

I don't remember.

Where are you from.

Might be from Tallahassee. But I'm not sure yet.

What's your favorite color?

I don't remember. But off the top of my head, I'd say black.

What's your favorite movie star?

Burt Reynolds.

Would you like a bite of my pie?

Yes, I would.

Like it?

Very much. Now, where were we?

What kinda music do you like?

Phil Spector. Girl group stuff. You know, like "He's a Rebel".

What are your turn-ons?

Mickey Rourke, somebody who can appreciate the finer things in life, like Elvis's voice, good kung fu, and a tasty piece of pie.

Turn-offs?

I'm sure there must be something, but I don't really remember. The only thing that comes to mind are Persians.

Do you have a fella?

I'm not sure yet. Ask me again later.

What's the story behind you takin' a cab to the most dangerous part of town alone?

Apparently, I was hit on the head with something really heavy, giving me a form of amnesia. When I came to, I didn't know who I was, where I was, or where I came from. Luckily, I had my driver's license or I wouldn't even know my name. I hoped it would tell me where I lived but it had a Tallahassee address on it, and I stopped somebody on the street and they told me I was in Detroit. So that was no help. But I did have some money on me, so I hopped in a cab until I saw somethin' that looked familiar. For some reason, and don't ask me why, that theater looked familiar. So I told him to stop and I got out.

And in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?

Because you looked like a nice guy, and I was a little scared. And I sure couldda used a nice guy about that time, so I spilled my popcorn on you.

Aren't you just dazzled by my imagination, lover boy?

Where to next?

Wow. What a swell place to work.

Yeah, I got the key, so I come here at night, hang out, read comic books, play music.

How long have you worked here?

Almost four years.

That's a long time.

I'm hip. But you know, I'm comfortable here. It's easy work. I know what I'm doing. Everybody who works here is my buddy. I'm friendly with most of the customers. I just hang around and talk about comic books all day.

Do you get paid a lot?

That's where trouble comes into paradise. But the boss let's you borrow some money if you need it. Wanna see what "Spiderman" number one looks like?

You bet. How much is that worth?

Four hundred bucks.

I didn't even know they had stores that just sold comic books.

Well, we sell other things too. Cool stuff. "Man from U.N.C.L.E." Lunch boxes. "Green Hornet" board games. Shit like that. But comic books are main business. There's a lot of collectors around here.

What's that?

That's a "Rookies" doll. George Sanford Brown. We gotta lotta dolls. They're real cool. Did you know they came out with dolls for all the actors in "The Black Hole"? I always found it funny somewhere there's a kid playin' with a little figure of Earnest Borgnine.

"Spiderman", number one. The one that started it all.

God, Spiderman looks different.

He was just born, remember? This is the first one. You know that guy, Dr. Gene Scott? He said that the story of Spiderman is the story of Christ, just disguised. Well, I thought about that even before I heard him say it. Hold on, let me show you my favorite comic book cover of all time.

"Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos". One of the coolest series known to man. They're completely worthless. You can get number one for about four bucks. But that's one of the cool things about them, they're so cheap.

Just look at that artwork, will ya. Great stories. Great Characters. Look at this one.

Nick's gotten a ring from his sweetheart and he wears it around his neck on a chain. OK, later in the story he gets into a fight with a Nazi bastard on a ship. He knocks the guy overboard, but the Kraut grabs ahold of his chain and the ring goes overboard too. So, Nick dives into the ocean to get it. Isn't that cool?

Alabama, I'd like you to have this.

What a cool room!

Oooooh, you look so cute in your little cowboy outfit. How old were you then?

Five.

Oh, you look so cute as little Elvis.

I finally knew what I wanted when I grew up.

You know when you sat behind me?

At the movies?

Uh-huh, I was tryin' to think of somethin' to say to you, then I thought, she doesn't want me bothering her.

What would make you think that?

I dunno. I guess I'm just stupid.

You're not stupid. Just wrong.

I love Janis.

You know, a lot of people have misconceptions of how she died.

She OD'd, didn't she?

Yeah, she OD'd. But wasn't on her last legs or anythin'. She didn't take too much. It shouldn't have killed her. There was somethin' wrong with what she took.

You mean she got a bad batch?

That's what happened. In fact, when she died, it was considered to be the happiest time of her life. She'd been fucked over so much by men she didn't trust them. She was havin' this relationship with this guy and he asked her to marry him. Now, other people had asked to marry her before, but she couldn't be sure whether they really loved her or were just after her money. So, she said no. And the guy says, "Look, I really love you, and I wanna prove it. So have your lawyers draw up a paper that says no matter what happens, I can never get any of your money, and I'll sign it." So she did, and he asked her, and she said yes. And once they were engaged he told her a secret about himself that she never knew: he was a millionaire.

So he really loved her?

Uh-huh.

What's wrong, sweetheart? Did I do something? What did I do?

You didn't do nothing.

Did you hurt yourself?

Whatd'ya do? Step on a thumbtack?

Clarence, I've got something to tell you. I didn't just happen to be at the theater. I was paid to be there.

What are you, a theater checker? You check up on the box office girls. Make sure they're not rippin' the place off.

I'm not a theater checker. I'm a call girl.

You're a whore?

I'm a call girl. There's a difference, ya know.

I don't know. Maybe there's not. That place you took me to last night, that comic book place.

"Heroes For Sale"?

Yeah, that one. Somebody who works there arranged to have me meet you.

Who?

I don't know. I didn't talk with them. The plan was for me to bump into you, pick you up, spend the night, and skip out after you fell asleep. I was gonna write you a note and say that this was my last day in America. That I was leaving on a plane this morning up to Ukraine to marry a rich millionaire, and thank you for making my last day in America my best day.

That dazzling imagination.

It's over on the TV. All it says is: "Dear Clarence." I couldn't write anymore. I didn't not want to ever see you again. In fact, it's stupid not to ever see you again. Las night... I don't know... I felt... I hadn't had that much fun since Girl Scouts. So I just said, "Alabama, come clean, Let him know what's what, and if he tells you to go fuck yourself then go back to Drexl and fuck yourself."

Who and what is a Drexl?

My pimp.

You have a pimp?

Uh-huh.

A real live pimp?

Uh-huh.

Is he black?

He thinks he is. He says his mother was Apache, but I suspect he's lying.

Is he nice?

Well, I wouldn't go so far as to call him nice, but he's treated me pretty decent. But I've only been there about four days. He got a little rough with Arlene the other day.

What did he do to Arlene?

Slapped her around a little. Punched her in the stomach. It was pretty scary.

This motherfucker sounds charming!

Goddamn it, Alabama, you gotta get the fuck outta there! How much longer before he's slappin' you around? Punchin' you in the stomach? How the fuck did you get hooked up with a douche-bag like this in the first place?

At the bus station. He said I'd be a perfect call girl. And that he knew an agency in California that, on his recommendation, would handle me. They have a very exclusive clientele: movie stars, big businessmen, total white-collar. And all the girls in the agency get a grand a night. At least five hundred. They drive Porsches, live in condos, have stockbrokers, carry beepers, you know, like Nancy Allen in "Dressed to Kill". And when I was ready he'd call 'em, give me a plane ticket, and send me on my way. He says he makes a nice finder's fee for finding them hot prospects. But no one's gonna pay a grand a night for a girl who doesn't know whether to shit or wind her watch. So what I'm doin' for Drexl now is just sorta learnin' the ropes. It seemed like a lotta fun, but I don't really like it much, till last night. You were only my third trick, but you didn't feel like a trick. Since it was a secret, I just pretended I was on a date. An, um, I guess I want a second date.

Thank you. I wanna see you again too. And again, and again, and again. Bama, I know we haven't known each other long, but my parents went together all throughout high school, and they still got a divorce. So, fuck it, you wanna marry me?

What?

Will you be my wife?

Yes.

You will?

You better not be fucking teasing me.

You better not be fuckin' teasin' me.

Did ya ever see "The Chinese Professionals"?

I don't believe so.

Well, that's the one that explains how Jimmy Wang Yu became the Incredible One-Armed Boxer.

We'll return to Jimmy Wang Yu in... "The Incredible One-Armed Boxer vs. the Master of the Flying Guillotine", tonight's eight o'clock movie, after these important messages...

You better not be fucking teasing me.

I do.

Thank you.

Hello, Mrs. Worley.

How do you do, Mr. Worley?

Top o' the morning, Mrs. Worley.

Bottom of the ninth . Mr. Worley. Oh, by the by, Mr. Worley, have you seen your lovely wife today?

Oh, you're speaking of my charming wife Mrs. Alabama Worley.

Of course. Are there others, Mr. Worley?

Not for me.

No no no no no no no no no...

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes...

Bitch, you better git yo ass back on the street an' git me my money.

I'm tellin' you, my man, this bitch is fine. This girl's a freak! You can fuck 'er in the ass, fuck 'er in the mouth. Rough stuff, too. She's a freak for it. Jus' try not to fuck 'er up for life.

You holdin' out on me, girl? Bitch, you never learn!

Hang it up, momma. I got no time for this bullshit.

Where you goin', honey?

I just gotta get somethin'.

Well? Can you live with it?

What?

Can you live with it?

Live with what?

With that son-of-a-bitch walkin' around breathin' the same air as you? And gettin' away with it every day. Are you haunted?

Yeah.

You wanna get unhaunted?

Yeah.

Then shoot 'em. Shoot 'em in the face. And feed that boy to the dogs.

I can't believe what you're tellin' me.

I ain't tellin' ya nothin'. I'm just sayin' what I'd do.

You'd really do that?

He don't got no right to live.

Look, Elvis, he is hauntin' me. He doesn't deserve to live. And I do want to kill him. But I don't wanna go to jail for the rest of my life.

I don't blame you.

If I thought I could get away with it –

Killin' 'em's the hard part. Gettin' away with it's the easy part. Whaddaya think the cops do when a pimp's killed? Burn the midnight oil tryin' to find who done it? They couldn't give a flyin' fuck if all the pimps in the whole wide world took two in the back of the fuckin' head. If you don't get caught at the scene with the smokin' gun in your hand, you got away with it.

Clarence, I like ya. Always have, always will.

Sweetheart, write down your former address.

What?

Write down Drexl's address.

Why?

So I can go over there and pick up your things.

No, Clarence. Just forget it, babe. I just wanna disappear from there.

Look, sweetheart, he scares you. But I'm not scared of that motherfucker. He can't touch you now. You're completely out of his reach. He poses absolutely no threat to us. So, if he doesn't matter, which he doesn't, it would be stupid to lose your things, now wouldn't it?

You don't know him –

You don't know me. Not when it comes to shit like this. I have to do this. I need for you to know you can count on me to protect you. Now write down the address.

Yeah... Yeah...

You want somethin'?

Drexl?

Naw, man, I'm Marty. Watcha want?

I gotta talk to Drexl.

Well, what the fuck you wanna tell him?

It's about Alabama.

Where the fuck is that bitch?

She's with me.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm her husband.

Well. That makes us practically related. Bring your ass on in.

What was I sayin'?

Rock whores.

You ain't seen nothin' like these rock whores. They ass be young man. They got that fine young pussy. Bitches want the rock they be a freak for you. They give you hips, lips, and fingertips.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

These bitches over here ain't shit. You stomp them bitches to death to get the kind of pussy I'm talkin' about.

Looky here, you want the bitches to really fly high, make your rocks with Cherry Seven-Up.

Pussy love pink rocks.

Grab a seat there, boy. Want some dinner? Grab yourself an egg roll. We got everything here from a diddle-eyed-Joe to a damned-if-I-know.

No thanks.

No thanks? What does that mean? Means you ate before you came down here? All full. Is that it? Naw, I don't think so. I think you're too scared to be eatin'. Now, see we're sittin' down here, ready to negotiate, and you've already given up your shit. I'm still a mystery to you. But I know exactly where your ass is comin' from. See, if I asked you if you wanted some dinner and you grabbed an egg roll and started to chow down, I'd say to myself, "This motherfucker's carryin' on like he ain't got a care in the world. Who know? Maybe he don't. Maybe this fool's such a bad motherfucker, he don't got to worry about nothin', he just sit down, eat my Chinese, watch my TV." See? You ain't even sat down yet. On that TV there, since you been in the room, is a woman with her titties hangin' out, and you ain't even bothered to look. You just been starin' at me. Now, I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties.

I'm not eatin' 'cause I'm not hungry. I'm not sittin' 'cause I'm not stayin'. I'm not lookin' at the movie 'cause I saw it seven years ago. It's "The Mack" with Max Julian, Carol Speed, and Richard Pryor, written by Bobby Poole, directed by Michael Campus, and released by Cinerama Releasing Company in 1984. I'm not scared of you. I just don't like you. In that envelope is some payoff money. Alabama's moving on to some greener pastures. We're not negotiatin'. I don't like to barter. I don't like to dicker. I never have fun in Tijuana. That price is non-negotiable. What's in that envelope is for my peace of mind. My peace of mind is worth that much. Not one penny more, not one penny more.

It's empty.

Oooooooooh weeeeeeee! This child is terrible. Marty, you know what we got here? Motherfuckin' Charles Bronson. Is that who you supposed to be? Mr. Majestyk? Looky here, Charlie, none of this shit is necessary. I ain't got no hold on Alabama. I just tryin' to lend the girl a helpin' hand –

Ya wanna fuck with me?

I'll show ya who you're fuckin' wit!

You OK? That stupid dumb-ass didn't break your nose, did he?

Naw. It don't feel too good but it's alright.

You see what you get when you fuck wit me, white boy? You're gonna walk in my goddamn house, my house! Gonna come in here and tell me! Talkin' smack, in my house, in front of my employees. Shit! Your ass must be crazy.

I don't think that white boy's got good sense. Hey, Marty.

He must of thought it was white boy day. It ain't white boy day, is it?

Naw, man, it ain't white boy day.

Shit, man, you done fucked up again. Next time you bogart your way into a nigger's crib, an' get all his face, make sure you do it on white boy day.

Wannabee nigger...

Fuck you! My mother was Apache.

Well, well, well, looky what we got here. Clarence Worley. Sounds almost like a nigger name.

Hey, dummy.

Before you bought your dumb ass through the door, I didn't know shit. I just chalked it up to au revoir Alabama. But, because you think you're some macho motherfucker, I know who she's with. You. I know who you are, Clarence Worley. And, I know where you live, 4900 116th street, apartment 48. And I'll make a million-dollar bet, Alabama's at the same address. Marty, take the car and go get 'er. Bring her dumb ass back here.

I'll keep lover boy here entertained.

You know the first thing I'll do when she gets here. I think I'll make her suck my dick, and I'll come all in her face. I mean it ain't nuttin' new. She's done it before. But I want you as a audience.

Marty, what the fuck are you doin'?

I'm tryin' to find my jacket.

Look in the hamper. Linda's been dumpin' everybody's stray clothes there lately.

What's happening?

Get a bag and put Alabama's thing in it!

You wanna get shot? I ain't got all fuckin' day, so move it!

Open you eyes, laughing boy.

Open you eyes!

You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you?

I killed him.

I've got some food in the car, I'll be right back.

Help yourself. I got enough. I am fuckin' starvin'. I think I ordered one of everythin'.

I am so hungry.

Was it him or you?

Yeah. But to be honest, I put myself in that position. When I drove up there I said to myself, "If I can kill 'em and get away with it, I'll do it." I could. So I did.

Is this a joke?

No joke. This is probably the best hamburger I've ever had. I'm serious, I've never had a hamburger taste this good.

Come on, Bama, eat something. You'll feel better.

Why are you crying? He's not worth one of your tears. Would you rather it had been me? Do you love him?

Do you love him?

Do you love him?

I think what you did was...

What?

I think what you did...

What?

... was so romantic.

I gotta get outta these clothes.

Clean clothes. There is a god,

Clarence. Those aren't my clothes.

Holy Mary, Mother of God.

This is great, we got cable.

Bama, you got your blade?

This shit can't be real.

It'll get ya high.

Do you want some wine, sweetheart?

Nope. I'm not really a wine gal.

It's fuckin' real!

It's fuckin' real!

I certainly hope so.

You've got a helluva lotta coke there, man!

I know.

Do you have any idea how much fuckin' coke you got?

Tell me.

I don't know! A fuckin' lot!

This is Drexl's coke?

Drexl's dead. This is Clarence's coke and Clarence can do whatever he wants with it. And what Clarence wants to do is sell it. Then me and Bama are gonna leave on a jet plane and spend the rest of our lives spendin'. So, you got my letter, have you lined up any buyers?

Look, Clarence, I'm not Joe Cocaine.

But you're an actor. I hear these Hollywood guys have it delivered to the set.

Yeah, they do. And maybe when I start being a successful actor I'll know those guys. But most of the people I know are like me. They ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Now, if you want to sell a little bit at a time –

No way! The whole enchilada in one shot.

Do you have any idea how difficult that's gonna be?

I'm offering a half a million dollars worth of white for two hundred thousand. How difficult can that be?

It's difficult because you're sellin' it to a particular group. Big shots. Fat cats. Guys who can use that kind of quantity. Guys who can afford two hundred thousand. Basically, guys I don't know. You don't know. And, more important, they don't know you. I did talk with one guy who could possibly help you.

Is he big league?

He's nothing. He's in my acting class. But he works as an assistant to a very powerful movie producer named Lee Donowitz. I thought Donowitz could be interested in a deal like this. He could use it. He could afford it.